Holy crap I wasn’t expecting that!
If you read last week’s post and watched the video (apologies to those who subscribe via email, I have no idea why the video didn’t show) you’ll know that recording that was a huge fear of mine but it was something I felt inspired to do last week, so I did it. However, I wasn’t expecting what was about to happen.
As soon as I hit the publish button I felt my energy drop, like through the floor! I wanted to jump into the computer and retract all the threads of it all over the internet. I wanted to delete the post and pretend it never happened. I could hear my voice and see myself in my mind talking; is that how I sound? Is that how I look when I talk? Wow I’ve put some weight on! There was a whole host of negative thoughts started to creep into my mind and as one took hold it spiralled into another and another and another. I cried. ‘What the fuck am I doing??’ I kept asking myself over and over again. By the time the evening came I was well and truly empty and lost. I couldn’t shake the image of the video from my mind and as more people viewed it and I got no likes or comments it just added to my growing doubt and insecurity.
It took me a whole day to do that post. That’s a whole day that I didn’t spend working on my business, my business that is supposed to pay the bills and for what? Nobody liked it, nobody commented on it and it left me feeling like an absolute idiot. I was ready to quit, quit my blog, quit my business and quit all my hopes and dreams and go get a ‘real job’. A couple of wise friends told me not to be so hasty, not to make any irrational decisions and so I wallowed in it. It was a few days of wallowing in the ‘holy shit what am I doing’ pit of despair and then as Saturday dawned I started to feel a little better, the little flicker of hope was back on, like the little light on the boiler, just one small flicker of hope is all you need to shine light in the darkness and keep your passion burning.
Over the weekend I did what I do best, I reflected. I thought of all the times, and there have been many, that I have felt like this on my path to creating my dream and I remembered that after each one I would emerge one step closer and have grown one hell of a lot through the process. I also saw the situation for exactly what it was, it was my ego.
The ego is there to keep us safe and protected, it likes the comfy seat, the status quo, but I’m all about the soul, the soul loves a challenge, it doesn’t find the comfy seat that comfortable because there’s no growth and development in the comfy seat. As a soul we are here to learn and grow and we do that best through trial and error, our biggest ‘mistakes’ are often our best teachers. Every time we discover what we don’t want we are one step closer to discovering what we do want. Last week I was excited, buzzing actually to post that video and yet that was one of my biggest ever fears. I faced the fear and guess what, my ego was shit scared! If she can do THIS what else can she do? I better bring her down a peg or two ‘hey you, Vicky, who the hell do you think you are? You’re making a fool of yourself, no one cares, and no one’s listening’. It got me, it got me good. I doubted myself, I listened to that inner voice who tried to make me shrink and I was ready to quit it all.
Is it the end of the road?
So am I going to quit it all? Quit my writing and my vision for the future? Am I going to quit my business and get a ‘real job’? Like shit I am! My ego might be scared, it might try and pull me back and make me play safe and small but my soul is stronger than that, I have this burning passion in me and no matter who tries to put it out it will reignite again and again and again until one day BOOM the whole thing will just take off, I believe it, I desire it and trust it will happen, all in perfect timing!
For years now I have followed inspirational authors and speakers, I have listened to their rags to riches stories and believe me every successful person on the planet has one. Let me just pause for a moment to clarify what success is, success is determined by your own goals, it’s an individual thing, so when I talk about success it’s my version of it and how that will look in my world, it will be entirely different in yours. Anyway, when I’ve listened to these successful people I could never quite relate to them because they were ‘there’ you know? They had already created that vision and they were telling their story in hindsight. Well I’m still writing my story, I’m still living the story I will one day tell and I want people to relate to it, I want them to come back and read these words and see that I had those days of doubt, I had those times when I cried and wanted to quit the whole damn thing but that all it takes is that little flicker of hope, that all you need to do is dust yourself off and take the next inspired step. I’m sharing this with you because if you have a dream that you wish to create but your ego keeps telling you that you can’t, then this is normal, we all have that inner voice but the difference between those who do it and those who don’t is that they learnt to ignore that voice and do it anyway. I have the rebel archetype in me (see this post) and if someone tells me I can’t do something I delight in proving them wrong. So my dear ego, bring it on, you’ll pull me down time and time again, I know that, but each time you do I will come back stronger than before. I’m not afraid anymore, I have a dream and I’m going for it, I don’t need anyone’s permission! It’s the end of the road as I know it, the path before me isn’t yet paved, I can’t see it but I trust that it will appear as I fearlessly take the next step.
It’s time, it’s time to stop letting our ego rule the roost and to start listening to those quiet inner whispers of the soul, this can take time, I’ve been at this for more years than I care to remember. We can’t ever leave the ego and nor would we want to, it’s what makes us human, but we can tame it and when we do our soul will shine through, and when our true selves come out to play life will be a whole lot more fun!
What’s your ego telling you that you can’t do? Are you holding back from something out of fear? Just do it, go for it, what’s the worst that can happen? And if you fall into that pit of self-woe its ok, wallow for a while, reflect and then climb out the other side stronger than you were before!
My ego used to ask you to leave a comment but my soul says hey it doesn’t matter, I write for me, I write because I want too, I need too and I love too, whether or not you like it isn’t important, what’s important is that I’m doing what’s right for me and hopefully it will inspire you to do the same.
With love and a flicker of hope
photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/96526303@N00/3448977644″>Pic 4 of 5</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a> <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/”>(license)</a>