I love the little synchronicities life throws in our path and I’m quickly discovering that when we are open to them and follow them, amazing things start to happen.
I’ll be totally honest with you, like I always am. Since my second daughter was born in June 2012 motherhood hasn’t been the blissful experience I expected it to be. It’s been hard, very hard at times. My children are my world, I love them more than any words can describe but there have been times when I wished I could just hide away. Being a mother is the most amazing and rewarding thing I have ever done but it’s also the most challenging, demanding and exhausting. However, there is a voice inside my head that nags at me, telling me it doesn’t have to be this way; it can be the blissful experience I thought it would be. I’ve learnt by now that when that little voice inside me starts to question things that life is about to take me on a journey of discovery. Here is how that journey goes…
Last year, just before my daughters first birthday, the doctor diagnosed me with depression, as soon as he said it I thought ‘what does he know!’ but as his words began to sink in the reality hit. Oh. My. God. I have depression. After 10 years of personal development, working on my mind and manifesting some amazing things in my life I could not believe I had depression. How could this have happened? So, I did what I do with every challenge I face, I asked myself what could I learn from this and how can I help others going through the same thing. I turned down the antidepressants, I was determined to make myself well.
There was one thing that surprised me more than my own depression and that was that when I confided in people, sheepishly telling them under a whispered breath ‘I have depression’ as if I was telling them a guilty secret, they all responded with a blasé ‘oh I’ve been on antidepressants for years’. They were all mothers. Why are so many mothers depressed? When I looked back over my year with truth and honesty, without judgement and blame it was clear to see why.
In my role as a mother, as a wife, as an employee and a business owner, I had given my all. Life had become a big routine of washing, cooking, cleaning, tidying, working, and worrying. It was non-stop. It was relentless. In all this time while I mothered my children and juggled all the things that come with the title of ‘mother’, who was mothering me?
When my children fall and hurt themselves I rub the invisible mark on their knee and with a gentle kiss I tell them ‘everything will be ok’. When they are hungry I feed them, dirty I clean them, scared I comfort them and anxious I reassure them. When they are bored I play with them, I make sure each and every one of their needs are met and the whole time I’m worrying that I’m not ‘good enough’. All the time the voice in my head speaks negatively to me, when I shout I worry I’ve ‘damaged’ them in some way, when I’m too tired to play I worry I’m pushing them away and not giving them enough of me, this voice is constantly judging and comparing, bringing me down deeper and deeper. No one is there to tell me ‘everything is going to be ok’, when my husband complains at the state of the house I hear ‘you’re not good enough’, when I’m just too tired to play I hear ‘you’re not good enough’, when my daughters writing isn’t as good as her peers I hear ‘you’re not good enough’. This voice inside my head, this inner critic is a bully. If I heard someone else talking to themselves or anyone else this way I would be disgusted. Is it any wonder I ended up with depression, when despite doing my very best, giving my all and getting no thanks for it, that all I hear is ‘you’re not good enough’. So, what to do about it?
First of all is acceptance. Accepting that good enough is good enough and I am more than that! I don’t want to spend the next 18 years worrying that I’m not good enough only to discover in hindsight that I was. So I accept that good enough is good enough and each day I tell myself ‘I did my best today and tomorrow will be even better’.
Secondly and most importantly, it’s time to mother me. The main thing I’ve learnt from this past two years and from my depression is that I can’t give all that I have to give, be all that I am meant to be and do all that I want to do when I am empty. When my mind, body and soul aren’t nurtured and loved I give from an empty well. I’ve discovered that to give my children everything, I first have to give to myself. I have to talk to myself in the same loving way I talk to them; I have to find ways to rub my knee and heal the wounds motherhood can create. I have to find time to play, laugh and grow as me, not just as a mother. Then I can be the very best mother to my children, when my cup is full, so will theirs be.
I’ve known all of this for a while, the words ‘mother me’ have echoed in my mind for over a year but I ignored them. I kept getting drawn back into the daily routine and by the time the girls are asleep im to tired to do a thing for myself, sometimes even running a bath is just to much effort but I know if I always do what I’ve always done, I’ll always get what I’ve always got. They say you have to be the change you want to see in the world, so I’m taking action. I want mothers to give from a full cup not an empty one. I want my girls to love and nurture themselves so I need to teach them how, children do as you do not as you say. To love myself more is to love them more and for them to love themselves too.
The first part of healing and nurturing for me has been writing this blog. As I pour my heart onto the page, as I ‘confess’ to not being perfect it takes a huge weight off my mind, it releases something and it allows my soul to express itself creatively, something we all crave deep down. Writing nurtures me in a way I would have never of known had I not taken the first step.
As the words of this blog were echoing in my mind, a local doula and healer, invited me to a workshop she was running called ‘the wounds of motherhood’. Something in that title spoke to me. My first response was that I couldn’t go, it was on a Sunday afternoon which is our only family time in the week and I was working the rest of the weekend, but my ‘inner knowing’ told me I had to go and I listened. I followed that gut feeling, you know the one we all ignore too often. I wasn’t sure what to expect but it was amazing, I healed a wound I didn’t even know existed and I have felt the shift these last few days. I left the workshop knowing that it was time to nurture myself fully not just the odd moment here and there; it was time to write this blog and take action. After the workshop I had a dream, it’s a reoccurring dream I’ve had for years. In it a tiger is on the loose and it stands face to face with me and i’m scared, I’ve never got to see how the dream ends because I wake with my heart pounding and i’m thankful to be alive. This time was different. As I saw the tiger escape I ran and hid. I found myself in a tiny room full of women, there was a large window with rickety blinds and the tiger stood snarling, saliva dripping off his hungry jaws, he was inches from me but my gaze was fixed on one woman. She was ready to scream, she was terrified, I held her gaze and with one hand raised reassuring her I whispered ‘everything is going to be ok’. The tiger left and I watched as the keepers caught it and put it to sleep.
It’s no coincidence that I had this dream the day after the workshop and the night I started writing this blog. The fear I have held for years has been released, I’ve faced it head on and now it’s been put to rest. In facing my own fears I was able to help other women do the same and we can now step out of the box, unafraid. Unafraid to nurture ourselves and follow our dreams; it’s time to let go of guilt for taking a rest, it’s time for us all to fill up our cup. It’s time to express yourself creatively, whatever that means for you. When we take steps to nurture ourselves and we refill our empty wells, we will be able to give so much more to our children and we will teach them how to give to themselves. Life shows us the way, it speaks to us through our intuition, our ‘inner knowing’, it talks to us in our dreams and it brings things into our awareness just at the right time. Learn to follow these little synchronicities and amazing things will start to happen.
It is time to mother me.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this; share your story or tips on how to you create time to nurture yourself. I’ll be sharing my nurturing tools over the coming weeks and months so if you want more please sign up using the follow option on the right handside and you’ll never miss a post!
With love, gratitude and nurturing
Vicky x
photo credit: mclcbooks via photopin cc
Well done Vicky, that was brave and wonderful of you. Thank you for being honest. It’s incredible how facing a fear has already had such positive changes for you ( and that dream is incredible isn’t it?) Keep going with what you are doing x
Much of your writing very familiar to me. I was diagnosed with (post natal) depression and anxiety last July and I am doing my best every day, but also trying to face fears. I have had a mask on for so long I don’t actually know who I am but I know that ultimately I want to be happy with being me, live my life to the fullest and teach my little one how to do the same.
First off, ‘be kinder to yourself’ and ‘give yourself time to look after yourself’ are the mantras I am trying to instil in my head so that I start doing these things!!
And the third for me is to remember: This is NOT another goal which is open to criticism on a bad day, and it isn’t setting an impossibly high bar to try to reach in order to be perfect, pile the expectations on or beat myself up about!!
Thank you kat x I think we’ve all been wearing masks and trying to reach the impossible bars we set ourselves. I think as mothers we all share a similar vision and im ready to do my bit in making it a reality, my mask is off! We all have that inner critic and it takes time to quiet them but keep going and you’ll there xx
Hi Vicky, another great blog that resonates with how i feel sometimes. With Layla i always feel i can do more. Some days i feel inadequate. This isn’t helped by external stresses and pressures but i know by looking after myself – eating right, resting and stimulating my mind – i will be able to offet Layla so much more of myself.
Also, i applaud you for opening up about your depression. All too often those suffering from depression either try to hide it or ignore it instead of confronting it head on for fear of shame or admission of ‘weakness’. This reminds me of the sound words i saw on facebook about being thankful for suffering as without it we wouldn’t find our strength.
Great blog filled with honesty and courage. Thanks Vicky x
Thanks jo, I really appreciate your comments x and its so true about our suffering showing us our strength x
Such an honest and frank account Vicky, you really are an inspiration to so many mothers out there.
A fantastic blog and I look forward to reading, and no doubt relating to, the next one.
Px
Hi Vicky, your blog really struck a chord with me. I have struggled with post-natal depression for the last year and only now do I realise the importance of ‘ mothering me’ to allow me to help my beautiful little girl to grow up to be happy too. Thank you for your honesty, it’s reassuring to know that I’m not the only one who feels this way and that it’s ok to be good enough xx
Thank you so much for your comment heather, this is exactly what I was hoping for, that other mothers would realise they are not alone and just how important our own self care and love is. My little girl asked me for the first time tonight if I loved myself and for the first time in my life I said yes I love me, it has taken me some time to get here but I so glad im finally able to love me! Xx
Aww Vicky this is an amazing blog, very honest and open. We all put too much pressure on ourselves these days, especially as a mother. We strive to be all things to all people, an amazing wife, a perfect mother, a career woman with a sparkly clean house and a nice car, oh and don’t forget those amazing holidays so the kids don’t miss out….the list goes on! Then one day the weight of all this seems to come crashing down and we might just have a small ‘slip’ shouting at the hubby or children for no apparent reason or bursting into tears; or more seriously the signs of depression show themselves. We need to learn we can not be all things to all people and the sad fact is most of the time its only US who expect this, we put the pressure on ourselves.
I used to complain to you that Darcie wouldn’t go to sleep on her own during the day, I used to sit and worry and beat myself up about it cos it must have been my fault. I’d lie on the bed with her and stress about the other things I should be doing, cleaning, ironing, whatever. Then lately I’ve come to accept it. So what if theres other things that need done, I get to snuggle in bed with my little girl twice a day and when I return to work in a few weeks I’m going to miss out on that 3 days a week.
So many woman will relate to this blog and reading it makes me think even more that acceptance of those non perfect moments is therapy in itself!
Hugs to you and the girls, Emma x
P.S. I’m pretty sure the men in our lives feel this pressure too but would never talk about it 🙂
Thank you emma x it absolutely is about accepting things as they are and not as we want them to be, you have to lie there with her either way so you may as well relax and enjoy it than spend it worrying xx
Really touching, Vicky, and beautifully written. Vx
It’s hard the first time you confess and then suddenly it’s as easy as telling somebody what you had for breakfast. I’m not quite sure where you are on the spectrum right now but well done for taking the first step and good luck for the future.
I was diagnosed with depression a few years ago. Though not quite bi-polar I do have big emotional swings and during one of the lows last year I walked out. No keys, no money, no phone and an ambiguous note at home. I really don’t know what I was doing, I didn’t want to die, I just no longer wanted to exist. In short I precipitated an all out police search with helicopters, cars, friends and so forth. I had no idea and afterwards felt very guilty for all the expense and effort on my behalf. But the BIGGEST lesson I learned was from the faces of my daughters when I was found and brought home. Never ever ever again will I put them through that again. I cannot take back the pain I inflicted but I know I will never knowingly do it again.
I need mothering, and I and my family learned that, but I also learned that it’s not just me and my life. I am important and loved by other people and that is both a responsibility yes, but also a huge comfort in the dark times as well.
Thank you for sharing gillie x I feel like I am through my depression now, I still get stressed and overwhelmed but no longer feel depressed like I was, thats only come together in the last few weeks as ive focused on the bigger picture, taken time for me and started writing, which is why I know how important it is to nurture ourselves.
I also felt like walking away many times last year and looking back I can see just how low I was but its onwards and upwards now. I wish you and your family well x
Love this Vicky Drake not surprisingly hit so many notes with me. Thank you for your honest writing. For some choosing to prioritise time in their busy lives to nurture themselves seems an impossible task. But I hope by reading your blog it will help women to see that it’s ok not to be perfect and it’s ok to admit you need a rest. xx
Dear Vicky, my name is Susie – I was with you on that amazing workshop “the wounds of motherhood” so I have found your blog through Rebecca. Your writing is beautiful and brilliantly crafted – your intelligence and humanity and personhood shine through every sentence. Well done you making the time to nurture yourself in this creative and healing way, which will also serve as a source of healing and connection for other mothers – in fact for women who are not mothers too.
I went on a similar journey to you when the blissful motherhood of having my first baby turned into the nightmare endless struggle of becoming the mother of two babies (well, a baby and a two year old). Just dragging myself through the day to fall exhausted into bed knowing that even during the night I would get no guaranteed respite from the all-consuming, all-demanding needs of two helpless beings and that the nightmarish merry-go-round would all start again in too few hours next morning – and knowing that there was no end in sight – that this would be my reality, day after day, month after month, year after year now that I had unquestioningly signed up to being “mother of two” just because that is what my mum had been and I had always assumed I would do the same. I loved my second child, just as much as I loved my first but My! did I regret inviting a second child into my life! A second child whose needs would constantly clash with my first child’s needs and so that I was constantly left feeling that I could never meet either of their needs fully. I felt like I was failing a million moments every day. I had been so proud of what an amazing mother I was with one child, and now here I was not able to live up to my own parenting standards, physically incapable of doing right by either of my babies as they both needed my undivided attention, they both needed my breasts, my lap, my arms, my voice, my practical love and there was only one of me, only one body, one pair of arms, one pair of breasts, one voice, one mother.
The exhaustion, combined with the regret and the overwhelming feeling of failure on a moment-by-moment basis meant that I was utterly miserable, and due to having two small children totally incapable of doing any of the usual things that would have helped me to feel better – no time or space or freedom to “mother me”. Basically I was depressed, but refused to hear that if anyone caringly suggested it. I would just say “I am not depressed, this is just what motherhood is like and I’m stuck with it”. It wasn’t until the depression started to lift and I finally started to feel like myself again little by little, after two years of deep inner work, that I was able to look back and see “Oh My God, I really was depressed, that wasn’t just normal exhaustion”. The gift in the depression was that it literally forced me into a journey of self-healing, self-nurture, intentional solitude, asking for help, getting regular (and costly!) support from a variety of therapists (from psychotherapy to homeopathy to spiritual accompaniment to angel healing/massage) and literally forced me to consciously take time away from the children to look after myself and get the help from all these different therapists. I say the depression forced me into this as self-nurture or time alone was no longer just an option – I HAD to do it, even on a daily basis in one form or another, just to survive through each day, I had to go inwards. The learning, though deeply painful at the time, was phenomenal. The profound personal and spiritual growth that came through learning to mother myself became a beautiful vocation to bring these healing practices to other mothers. Having acquired my enormous tool box of self-help and healing practices through my post-natal depression, at first I believed that my vocation was to be a healer to other mothers who hadn’t yet learned to mother themselves. But as the years have passed I have discovered that all women in our society need permission and support to self-nurture, to fill their cups, as you so beautifully put it Vicky. So now I feel called to facilitate and empower all women, whatever phase of womanhood they are in, whether Maiden, Mother, Enchantress or Crone, to fill their cups and nurture themselves as a priority. I feel so honoured to be able to do this through my one-to-one guided healing work, my couples healing work, through facilitating Sacred Women’s Circles and most recently through hosting and facilitating nature retreats for women every Full Moon at my cabin in Northumberland.
So Vicky, now that you have unearthed and shared with us the beautiful treasures of taking just a couple of hours away from your mothering on a Sunday afternoon, I would like to invite you to discover what treasures may lie hidden in taking a whole day away from your multi-armed, multi-tasking Mother Goddess responsibilities to reconnect with your Self, with your Sisters and with Mother Nature. It would be gorgeous if you would like to join us on a future Full Moon, Full Woman, Full Earth retreat near Ovingham in the Tyne Valley. The next one is on Sunday 13th April, 10.30am till 5pm (and repeated on Tuesday 15th April – the actual day of the Full Moon). The event details are on Facebook at this URL:
https://www.facebook.com/events/602783209803545/?ref_dashboard_filter=upcoming
or you can go to the Retreats page of my website to find out more about it at:
http://www.angelreadingswithsusie.co.uk
I hope you can come one of these months, as I think you would love it.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful writing with us, and wishing you many blessings for your future creative/healing flow around this project and especially for your journey through the deep wound of motherhood depression.
Much love, Susie x
Susie, thank you so much for your kind words and for sharing your story so honestly too. I also see my depression as a gift and believe/hope I can help other mothers in some way just by sharing my story. I would love to join you on the full moon retreat, sundays and tuesdays are my working days so I can’t do april but I will check your website for future ones and be in touch. I have taken the first step and will be following all the signs and this sounds perfect! thank you x
How lovely that you would love to come and Retreat with us. The next non-Sunday, non-Tuesday retreats are Wednesday May 14th or Friday June 13th – hope one of those will work out for you to take some longer time for yourself. Much love xx
Hi susie, I checked your website last night and have tge 14th in my diary. When im next on the laptop I will drop you an email over to book it properly. Really looking forward to it xx
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